no. 8| 05.20.2014 |
Dealing with Conflict
I can be a conflict avoider.
Here's an example: Last week I avoided even writing about conflict. And now this blog is late.
After re-reading the "Compass of Shame" article, it's actually reassuring to be reminded that I'm not alone — there wouldn't be a methodology if this wasn't something lots of people struggle with. And I'm also glad to have additional techniques to add to the strategies I already use to try and get better at dealing with conflict.
I'm usually ok at managing conflict in work contexts. Things are generally less personal, and I'm more likely to address issues early, before things get really serious — in an attempt to avoid really big conflict. I've had enough experience in my career at this point to be able to intuit early on when things might be headed off the rails. Usually just starting a conversation to elicit the points of view of clients or team members can head off real trouble before it starts. It's easier to set my ego aside and negotiate a path forward.
Where I sometimes don't do as well? My personal life. I have a list of meaningful successes — a great group of close friends that have been in my life for 15+ years — friendships that have survived lots of conflict. But one recent, big failure: my last boyfriend.
In the beginning, as is often the case, the newness of the relationship kept each of us on our "best behavior" and things were easy and really fun. It's not hard to be patient with each other when there's no history. Eventually tho, as we each started to be our more authentic selves, deeper conflict arose. Ultimately, we started to really struggle with some fundamental personality differences. I like a lot of autonomy, and like to give a partner a lot of autonomy. I feel more comfortable in a relationship when I know it's ok for me to get emotional support from many different people, and that my partner does the same. He, I think, wanted the two of us to be each other's primary focus and primary source of emotional support all the time. I might sum it up as "You Complete Me" vs. "I'm Me, and You're You." Both fine ways to be in a relationship, but only if both people are in the same category.
It didn't last, which was ultimately for the best, despite being really sad. What I regret is how I handled our breakup. After some time apart, we tried for a while to see if we could create a friendship (which I've been able to do with some past relationships). But after a few months I went full-on Withdrawl. All the way out to the end of the compass needle, so to speak. It was very abrupt, and I'm sure very hurtful and confusing. I didn't give any explanation. I just decided I was done, and stopped talking.
This is something I regret. It's not how I would like to be treated, and really, it's not the kind of person I aspire to be. I reached a point where I was frustrated, and didn't know what to do, and I fell into a purely defensive position. I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about the fears that were underneath my actions, and hopefully, if I find myself in a similar place with someone else, I can stay mindful and communicate honestly about how I feel, and what I really want.
Not communicating because I'm not really sure what I want or how I feel, or because I don't want to give "bad news", can actually just be cruel.
Writing this reminds me of the DBC vid about EQ, and the difference between being "nice" and genuinely kind. Karim commented that being honest with another person during a point of conflict means trusting that the person you're dealing with can handle their own feelings. There's a part of that trust that requires surrendering control. Being "nice" is way to manage a situation in an attempt to avoid being presented with someone else's potentially negative emotions.
So, I have something to practice.